Today you are a parent of a precious child living in a world filled with thieves intent on stripping him of his innocence and purpose. Life has a way of providing experiences that can compose a toxic life narrative for a child.

Sometimes what you thought would never happen, happens. Piercing those painful days are moments that alter your child’s views of self, others, and God. And, if you’re not careful, the narrative of your child’s life will contain misplaced punctuation points. Periods instead of conjunctions. Points that stop the flow of life rather than expand passion and connections. Many times a child’s story contains truth with a mixture of misperceptions about self, the world, and God.

The truth is, life is both wonderful and confounding. Much that befalls our children is not preventable. Crises will occur.

How might your child’s view of God be falsely edited by life experiences? How can you as a parent nurture a resilient child who maintains healthy beliefs about life and about God even as he becomes acutely aware of and interacts with a fallen world?

Specific family qualities emerged from research conducted over the past 10 years at New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary and the Psychological Studies Institute in Chattanooga. More than 400 families were examined to determine the family characteristics and behaviors that produce healthy families. The research revealed that children within these families are more likely to emerge with core beliefs that serve as powerful tools to interpret life’s inevitable intrusions in a more constructive, life expanding way – interpretations that are consonant with God’s narrative. Yes, it’s a long list. But each of these characteristics contributes to a child’s resiliency in life.

A healthy family …

1. Exemplifies a strong sense of family

• Has a sense of family unity, permanency, and history
• Has family rituals and traditions
• Shares meals and communicates during meals
• Engages in leisure activities together

2. Uses clear, honest communication

• Expresses feelings openly and without judgment
• Discusses goals and dreams together
• Listens carefully to one another
• Does not act out anger physically

3. Is open and affirming

• Engages in positive forms of touch
• Attends to the emotional needs of the family
• Smiles and laughs often; shares hugs and kisses
• Praises one another in public; says “I love you” often

4. Shares a sense of mutuality and support

• Expresses appreciation for one another often
• Takes physical care of one another as needed
• Accepts the eventual separation of the children

5. Demonstrates trust and accountability

• Honors agreements and commitments
• Insists that directives to children be met
• Takes personal responsibility for actions
• Admits the need for and seeks help when appropriate

6. Resolves conflict

• Identifies, communicates, and solves problems
• Couples complaints with positive affective cues
• Refrains from reciprocating negative behaviors
• Has a willingness to forgive and be forgiven
• Resolves conflict quickly (average of five hours)

7. Has boundaries and organization

• Evidences a parental subsystem hierarchy
• Has boundaries that are clear, firm, yet flexible
• Knows family members whereabouts
• Agrees on family members roles and responsibilities
• Outlines and enforces household rules

8. Has a healthy view of sexuality

• Engages in positive forms of touch
• Has effective, open communication about sexual issues
• Is sexually attracted to one another (spouses)
• Displays affection in front of the children (spouses)
• Is sexually faithful (spouses)

9. Has a religious core and instills values

• Provides for the spiritual needs of its members
• Experiences purpose derived from religious beliefs
• Has parents who teach a sense of right and wrong
• Seeks divine assistance with family problems
• Attends a church together regularly; prays together
• Hears prayers spoken for one another
• Views marriage as a sacred, long-term commitment
• Believes that personal efforts can make a difference
• Views differences as perspectives rather than mutiny

10. Shares time and interests together

• Spends quality time together in large quantities
• Has regular parental involvement in family activities
• Spends ample time at home alone together (spouses)
• Shares bedtime stories with children
• Limits time watching television and playing video games

11. Establishes behavior control

• Establishes clear, flexible rules
• Provides opportunities for negotiation and alterations
• Assigns and ensures the completion of tasks
• Provides consequences for prohibited behaviors
• Has routines; encourages good habits
• Disciplines children when needed with consistency
• Provides guided responsibility for children
• Accepts children’s assertiveness

12. Meets basic tasks

• Maintains a psychologically and physically safe home
• Acquires and manages financial resources
• Provides for proper nutrition and moderate exercise
• Makes provision for relaxation and proper sleep
• Maintains routine medical and dental checks
• Has a lifestyle free of chemical addictions or misuse
• Emphasizes education

13. Connects with the community

• Encourages healthy relationships outside the family
• Values service
• Encourages children to participate in peer groups
• Supports the child’s school activities

Examine the list in light of your current family routine and characteristic behaviors. Select just one or two items that you could implement this month, and build from that point. Research shows that the actual crises that your child will face someday is not the real problem; the real problem is how the child interprets the crises or what the crises mean to him or her.

A healthy family has the capacity to build resiliency into their children. These family structures and behaviors provide foundational experiences for the child to emerge into adulthood and find true meaning in life. Often the seemingly small patterns, such as regular family mealtimes, create healthy behavioral patterns and healthy beliefs that last a lifetime.

No simple formula exists for raising healthy children or creating a healthy family. We live in a fallen world, and we all face the thieves of the night. Yet the long-term effects of intentional acts of loving give us hope.

by Philip Coyle

To assist you in guiding the behavior of the children in your ministry, try the following.

Always model Christ’s love for children and adults. Children learn Jesus loves them as they sense the adults in their lives love them. Children need to know they are loved and accepted for who they are, not for what they do or how they behave.

Be an example. If you want children to do as you say, then do what you say. If you want children to actively participate, then participate with them. Children will follow your actions more than your words.

Consistency is key. Work with the other children’s ministry leaders in your church in regards to what is expected of the children. What is expected in one ministry should be the same for others. Children are easily confused when there are different standards with different ministries.

Don’t expect too much. Children are not little adults; they are children and they need time to be children.

Explain activities before giving out resources. It is difficult for children to listen to the rules of a game while holding the equipment. Explain the rules before handing out the equipment.

Find time to know what is going on in a child’s world.

Give choices when possible, but make sure the choices are ones you are willing to accept.

Hold children accountable for their actions. Children need to learn there are results to their actions, and they may need help accepting the consequences of their behavior. This means both positive and negative consequences.

Involve men in your ministry. Children’s behavior tends to be different when there is a positive male role model in the room. Enlist men to serve in your Worship KidStyle ministry. Children need positive male role models in their lives.

Judge what is misbehaving and what are simply childhood characteristics. It is important to separate the child’s behavior from the child, and understand what are normal childhood developmental characteristics, attitudes, and abilities.

Know the children’s likes, dislikes, hobbies,interests, and so forth. Select activities that fulfill their likes.

Love each child. Children need to know there are adults who love them and want the best for them. No child should be made to feel unloved when she is at church.

Meet the needs of the children. Make sure the physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual needs of the children are met. If any one of these needs is not being met, it will affect the child’s behavior.

Notice children’s “good” behavior. Catch children doing things the way you would like for them to do things. Reinforce their positive behavior.

Observe what the child’s home life is like. Children act out what they see and experience at home. Visit children in their homes, and discover what their home lives are like.

Pray, pray, and pray. This should be your first step in dealing with any behavioral issues. Pray before, during, and after the session for each child and leader by name. Pray for yourself that God will give you the peace and patience to deal with any situation which may arise.

Quickly deal with any unsafe situation.

Respect the rights of the children. Children do have rights. No child deserves to have his self-esteem destroyed because of his behavior. When it is necessary to redirect a child, make sure it is done in a manner that will not destroy the child’s self-esteem.

State what is expected. Children will live up to your expectations. Let the children know what is expected of them.

Take the initiative to participate with the children. Children need to see you learning with them, playing games with them, and enjoying the session.

Use additional adults when dealing with behavioral situations that may arise.

AVoid calling down every negative action a child does. It is OK to overlook some stuff.

Work with other adults. Make sure the teacher/child ratio is maintained.

X marks the spot. Be in your spot, prepared and ready when the first child arrives.

Yelling accomplishes nothing. Lower your voice, and the child will lower his.

Be Zealous for children. Stand up for them, and be their voice. When they know you are on their side, they are more likely to do what you ask them to do.

Today’s girls deal with so much — gender confusion, sexual pressure, fractured families, mean girls, just to name a few. Join us as we talk with Sissy Goff and Melissa Trevathan, licensed counselors who work with teen girls on a regular basis. In this Web cast, you’ll not only hear from them about what girls are dealing with but also what you can do.

by Polly House

Women gather for worship at the first .Mom (pronounced Dot Mom) event from the LifeWay Women.

by Polly House