Conversation Starters: Hope
Posted by Karah
Use these discussion starters to help foster a spiritual conversation with your family.
Find the right person to compare yourself to, and you can come off looking really good. Set your standards low enough, and you’ll come out on top. But how do you fare when God sets the standard? God’s standard of perfect righteousness is the only one that matters. Regardless of how good we might think we are, we fall far short of His standard. The Bible makes this clear, but it also makes the solution clear.
Concept: Hope
Preschool
Matthew 14:22-33
LIFE POINT: People need Jesus.
How did Jesus help Peter?
What are some ways Jesus helps you?
LIVE IT OUT: Ask your child to think of something he wants to do by himself but must have help to accomplish (for example, driving a car). Help him know that some things are ones we cannot do on our own and that we need Jesus to help us.
Kids
LIFE POINT: Jesus offers hope for the hopeless.
What hope did Jesus offer to Peter?
What hope does Jesus offer to you?
How can you help others know that Jesus offers hope?
LIVE IT OUT: Talk with your child about some situations that seem hopeless. Share that to the world many things might seem hopeless but that because of Jesus, we can have hope!
Students
Romans 1:16-17; 2:5-11; 3:9-12
THE POINT: You can’t meet God’s standard on your own.
Tell your student about the last time you wanted a “do-over”.
Ask your student how he feels about the standards you’ve set for him.
Have a conversation around this quote:
“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.”1 —Martin Luther King Jr.
LIVE IT OUT: Ask your student how you can be praying for him as he surrenders different areas of his life to Jesus.
Later in the week, remind your student that you are praying for him as he learns to trust God with everything.
Ask your student if he would like some suggestions about how you can reach out as a family to help others.
Help your students set a specific date to take action to impact your community or a group of people for Jesus.
1. Martin Luther King Jr., “Letter From a Birmingham Jail [King, Jr.],” African Studies Center. Available from the Internet: http://www.africa.upenn.edu.
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Conversation Starters: God’s Big Plan
Posted by Karah
Use these discussion starters to help foster a spiritual conversation with your family.
THE BIBLE MEETS LIFE: In the story of Joseph we find one of the strongest examples of family conflict within the Bible. The story holds nothing back. It is messy. We get to see the dirt of a godly family. Favoritism, hatred, and envy defined them. Yet, even in the midst of that kind of family dysfunction, God had a plan. The story of Joseph is a reminder that families who are experiencing conflict can find comfort that God works even through the darkest moments to create an ultimate good.
Concept: God’s Big Plan
PRESCHOOL
Genesis 37; 45; 50:15-21
LIFE POINT: God always has a plan.
Why were Joseph’s brothers mad at him?
What did they do to Joseph?
What did Joseph tell his brothers after their father died?
LIVE IT OUT: Help your preschooler remember a time when something bad happened to a family member. Talk about how you felt and when the feeling went away. Help them understand that God always has a plan for your family.
KIDS
Genesis 37; 50:15-21
LIFE POINT: God is in control of all things to make His big plan happen.
Why were Joseph’s brothers angry? What did they do?
What were Joseph’s brothers later afraid that Joseph might do?
Why did Joseph tell his brothers not to worry?
LIVE IT OUT: Help your child think of a person with whom they have trouble getting along. Encourage them to draw a picture or write a journal entry describing what they thinks God taught them or wanted them to learn at the time.
STUDENTS
Genesis 37:5-8,26-28; 50:15-21
THE POINT: God is at work even in the midst of conflict.
How do you react to a change in plans?
What kind of behavior tends to create conflict?
Have a conversation around this quote:
“We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.”1 —Charles Swindoll
LIVE IT OUT: Read Hebrews 11 with your student.
Pray for your student to understand how Jesus uses conflict to help them grow and build their faith.
Ask your student if they need help finding something to remind them of God’s work in their life.
Point out ways you see that God has been at work in their life.
1. Charles R. Swindoll, Bedside Blessings: 365 Days of Inspirational Thoughts (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2011), 148.
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Top Ten Mistakes Christian Parents of Teens Make
Posted by Phila post from Jeff Strong’s blog meredisciple.com
It might be difficult for some parents to read through, but here’s a top ten list that I’ve been wanting to write for a while. Over the next several days I’ll be expanding on each of these in succession, but for now, here is my top ten mistakes Christian parents of teens make:
10. Not spending time with your teen.
A lot of parents make the mistake of not spending time with their teens because they assume their teens don’t want to spend time with them! While that’s true in some contexts, teens still want and need “chunks” of one-on-one time with parents. Despite the fact that teens are transitioning into more independence and often carry a “I don’t need/want you around” attitude, they are longing for the securing and grounding that comes from consistent quality time.
Going for walks together, grabbing a coffee in order to “catch up,” going to the movies together, etc., all all simple investments that teens secretly want and look forward to. When you don’t carve out time to spend with your teen, you’re communicating that you’re not interested in them, and they internalize that message, consciously or unconsciously.
9. Letting your teen’s activities take top priority for your family.
The number of parents who wrap their lives/schedules around their teen’s activities is mind-boggling to me. I honestly just don’t get it. I know many parents want to provide their children with experiences and opportunities they never had growing up, but something’s gone wrong with our understanding of family and parenting when our teen’s wants/”needs” are allowed to overwhelm the family’s day-to-day routines.
Parents need to prioritize investing in their relationship with God (individually and as a couple), themselves and each other, but sadly all of these are often neglected in the name of “helping the kids get ahead.” “Don’t let the youth sports cartel run your life,” says Jen singer, author of You’re A Good Mom (and Your Kids Aren’t So Bad Either). I can’t think of many good reasons why families can’t limit teens to one major sport/extra-curricular activity per season. Not only will a frenetic schedule slowly grind down your entire family of time, you’ll be teaching your teen that “the good life” is a hyper-active one. That doesn’t align itself to Jesus’ teaching as it relates to the healthy rhythms of prayer, Sabbath, and down-time, all of which are critical to the larger Christian task of “seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness” (Matthew 6:33).
8. Spoiling your teen.
We are all tempted to think that loving our kids means doing all we can to ensure they have all the opportunities and things we didn’t have growing up. This is a terrible assumption to make. It leads to an enormous amount of self-important, petty, and ungrateful kids. A lot of the time parents are well-intentioned in our spoiling, but our continual stream of money and stuff causes teens to never be satisfied and always wanting more. Your teen doesn’t need another piece of crap, what he needs is time and attention from you (that’s one expression of spoiling that actually benefits your teen!).
There are two things that can really set you back in life if we get them too early:
a. Access to too much money.
b. Access to too many opportunities.
Parents need to recognize they’re doing their teens a disservice by spoiling them in either of these ways. Save the spoiling for the grandkids.
7. Permissive parenting.
“Whatever” — It’s not just for teens anymore! The devil-may-care ambivalence that once defined the teenage subculture has now taken root as parents shrug their shoulders, ask, “What can you do?” and let their teens “figure things out for themselves.” I think permissive parenting (i.e., providing little direction, limits, and consequences) is on the rise because many parents don’t know how to dialogue with and discipline their children. Maybe parents don’t have any limits of boundaries within their own life, so they don’t know how to communicate the value of these to their teen. Maybe it’s because they don’t want to, because their own self-esteem is too tied up in their child’s perception of them, and they couldn’t handle having their teen get angry at them for actually trying to parent. Maybe it’s because many parents feel so overwhelmed with their own issues, they can hardly think of pouring more energy into a (potentially) taxing struggle or point of contention.
Whatever the reason, permissive parenting is completely irreconcilable with a Christian worldview. I certainly do not advocate authoritarian parenting styles, but if we practice a permission parenting style we’re abdicating our God-given responsibility to provide guidance, nurture, limits, discipline and consequences to our teen (all of which actually help our teen flourish long-term).
6. Trying to be your teen’s best friend.
Your teen doesn’t need another friend (they have plenty); they need a parent. Even through their teens, your child needs a dependable, confident, godly authority figure in their life. As parents we are called to provide a relational context characterized by wisdom, protection, love, support, and empowerment. As Christian parents we’re called to bring God’s flourishing rule into our family’s life. That can’t happen if we’re busy trying to befriend our teen. Trying to be your teen’s friend actually cheats them out of having these things in their lives.
Sometimes parents think that a strong relationship with their teen means having a strong friendship—but there’s a fine line that shouldn’t be crossed. You should be friendly to your teen but you shouldn’t be your teen’s friend. They have lots of friends, they only have one or two parents—so be the parent your teen needs you to be.
5. Holding low expectations for your teen.
Johann Goethe once wrote, “Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat as man as he can and should be, and he become as he can and should be.” All of us rise to the unconcious level of expectation we set for ourselves and perceive from others. During the teenage years, it’s especially important to slowly put to death the perception that your teen is still “a kid.” They are emerging leaders, and if you engage them as such, you will find that over time, they unconsciously take on this mantle for themselves. Yes, your teen can be moody, self-absorbed, irresponsible, etc., but your teen can also be brilliant, creative, selfless, and mature. Treating them like “kids” will reinforce the former; treating them as emerging leaders will reinforce the latter.
For an example of how the this difference in perspective plays out, I’ve written an article entitled “The Future of an Illusion” which is available as a free download from www.meredisciple.com (in the Free Downloads section). It specifically looks at my commitment to be involved in “emerging church ministry” as opposed to “youth ministry,” and it you may find some principles within it helpful.
4. Not prioritizing youth group/church involvement.
This one is one of my personal pet peeves (but not just because this is my professional gig). I simply do not understand parents who expect and want their kids to have a dynamic, flourishing faith, and yet don’t move heaven and earth to get them connected to both a youth group and local church.
I’m going to let everyone in on a little secret: no teenager can thrive in their faith without these two support mechanisms. I’m not saying a strong youth group and church community is all they need, but what I am saying that you can have everything else you think your teen needs, but without these two things, don’t expect to have a spiritually healthy and mature teen. Maybe there are teens out there who defy this claim, but honestly, I can’t think of one out of my own experience. As a parent, youth group and church involvement should be a non-negotiable part of your teen’s life, and that means they take priority over homework (do it the night before), sports, or any other extra-curricular commitments.
Don’t be the parent who is soft on these two commitments, but pushes their kid in schooling, sports, etc. In general, what you sow into determines what you reap; if you want to reap a teenager who has a genuine, flourishing faith, don’t expect that to happen if you’re ok with their commitment to youth group/church to be casual and half-hearted.
3. Outsourcing your teen’s spiritual formation.
While youth group and church is very important, another mistake I see Christian parents make is assuming them can completely outsource the spiritual development of their child to these two things. I see the same pattern when it comes to Christian education: parents sometimes choose to send their children/teens to Christian schools, because by doing so they think they’ve done their parental duty to raise their child in a godly way.
As a parent–and especially if you are a Christian yourself–YOU are THE key spiritual role model and mentor for your teen. And that isn’t “if you want to be” either–that’s the way it is. Ultimately, you are charged with teaching and modelling to your teen what follow Jesus means, and while church, youth groups, Christian schools can be a support to that end, they are only that: support mechanisms.
Read Deuteronomy 6 for an overview of what God expects from parents as it relates to the spiritual nurture and development of their children. (Hint: it’s doesn’t say, “Hand them off to the youth pastor and bring them to church on Sunday.”)
2. Not expressing genuine love and like to your teen.
It’s sad that I have to write this one at all, but I’m convinced very few Christian parents actually express genuine love and “like” to their teen. It can become easy for parents to only see how their teen is irresponsible, failing, immature, etc., and become a harping voice instead of an encouraging, empowering one.
Do you intentially set aside time to tell your teen how much you love and admire them? Do you write letters of encouragement to them? Do you have “date nights” where you spend time together and share with them the things you see in them that you are proud of?
Your teen won’t ask you for it, so don’t wait for an invitation. Everyday say something encouraging to your teen that builds them up (they get enough criticism as it is!). Pray everyday for them and ask God to help you become one of the core people in your teen’s life that He uses to affirm them.
1. Expecting your teen to have a devotion to God that you are not
cultivating within yourself.
When I talk to Christian parents, it’s obvious that they want their teen to have a thriving, dynamic, genuine, life-giving faith. What isn’t so clear, however, is whether that parent has one themselves. When it comes to the Christian faith, most of the time what we learn is caught and not taught. This means that even if you have the “right answers” as a parent, if you’re own spiritual walk with God is pathetic and stilted, your teen will unconciously follow suit. Every day you are teaching your teach (explicitely and implicitely) what discipleship to Jesus looks like “in the flesh.”
What are they catching from you? Are you cultivating a deep and mature relationship with God personally, or is your Christian parenting style a Christianized version of “do as I say, not as I do”?
While having a healthy and maturing discipleship walk as a parent does not guarantee your teen will follow in your footsteps, expecting your teen to have a maturing faith while you follow Jesus “from a distance” is an enormous mistake.
You are a Christian before you are a Christian parent (or any other role). Get real with God, share your own struggles and hypocrisy with your entire family, and maybe then God will begin to use your example in a positive and powerful way.
To order a copy of Mere Disciple: a spiritual guide for emerging leaders, click here.
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Do Your Kids Know the Gospel?
Posted by Phil
One of the hidden treasures that the “Prince of Preachers,” Charles Spurgeon, left the church was a little book titled Come Ye Children. In it, Spurgeon contended earnestly that one of the most important tasks given to a parent, teacher, or minister is teaching kids the gospel. Spurgeon writes:
There must be doctrine, solid, sound, gospel doctrine to constitute real feeding. When you have a joint on the table, then ring the dinner-bell; but the bell feeds nobody if no provender is served up. Getting children to meet in the morning and the afternoon is a waste of their steps and yours if you do not set before them soul-saving, soul sustaining truth. Feed the lambs; you need not pipe to them, nor put garlands round their necks; but do feed them.
As a parent, teacher, or minister, teaching your kids the gospel is the most important task you have. So, what is your plan? Just like kids grow physically in proportion to the food they eat and emotional support they receive, they grow spiritually in a similar manner. Are you intentionally feeding your kids the gospel? It is estimated that pastors have 104 hours a year with kids in their ministry, while parents have 8,736 hours a year.
By the end of 2014, will your kids know the gospel?
Continue Reading more from Ed Stetzer…
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Elfed
Posted by SharonChristmas is a great time for traditions and doing things with your family and friends. One again this year Ridgecrest Summer Camps has an idea to try! It’s called “Elfing”. It’s a great thing to do with your kids that will help them bless someone else. Here’s a short video to explain the concept. Your printout is located below the video…
Below is the link to the note you leave with the Christmas treats. Happy Elfing!
You will need to print this document out to start Elfing….Elfing Directions 2013
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Conversation Starters: Walk Away
Posted by Karah
Use these discussion starters to help foster a spiritual conversation with your family.
THE BIBLE MEETS LIFE: What happens when you disagree with someone? It can break a relationship or maybe even lead to years of anger and bitterness. Disagreements can result in division even if neither person is wrong. Sometimes the best option is to put aside our own interests and let the other person “win.” As a result, both people receive the greater benefit of preserving, and even strengthening, the relationship.
Concept: Walk Away
PRESCHOOL
Genesis 13
LIFE POINT: Let others go first.
Why were Abram’s and Lot’s workers arguing? How did Abram and Lot solve the problem the workers were having?
LIVE IT OUT: Encourage your preschooler to let his friend have first choice when he is sharing snacks or taking turns with toys. Remind your preschooler that it is important to take turns. He will not always get his own way. Remind your preschooler that Abram let Lot choose first.
KIDS
Genesis 13
LIFE POINT: Walk away from things that displease God, and trust His promises.
Why were Abram’s and Lot’s shepherds in conflict? How did Abram and Lot resolve the conflict?
What did God tell Abram?
LIVE IT OUT: Provide your child with a strip of card-stock. Encourage him to write on one side of the strip times when he finds himself in conflict with others. On the other side of the strip, write Ephesians 4:32. Help him attach the strip around his wrist to remind him of Ephesians 4:32 when he finds himself in conflict with another person.
STUDENTS
Genesis 13:1-18
THE POINT: I don’t have to get my way to solve a conflict.
What is a conflict our family seems to have often? How can we help each other work through conflict better as a family?
Have a conversation around this quote about conflict:
“Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.”1 —Max Lucado
LIVE IT OUT:
Talk about a conflict you’ve had recently and how you handled it.
Discuss any conflict you’ve had with your student recently.
Choose a passage of Scripture to memorize with your student this week.
1. Max Lucado, When God Whispers Your Name, (Nashville, TN, 1999), 44.
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Conversation Starters: Fighting Back
Posted by Karah
Use these discussion starters to help foster a spiritual conversation with your family.
THE BIBLE MEETS LIFE: Most of us would have to admit that we feel the temptation to fight back and the pressure to get revenge. But God hates retaliation. James wrote to first century Christians who knew the pain of mistreatment and the pressure to get revenge. He teaches that the right response when you’ve been wronged is not to give in to the pressure to retaliate, but instead to let it go.
Concept: Fighting Back
PRESCHOOL
Matthew 26:17-30; 1 Corinthians 11:23-26
LIFE POINT: God wants people to love one another.
How did Jesus show love to His disciples?
What is one way you can show kindness to another person?
LIVE IT OUT: Talk with your preschooler about situations that are difficult for him, such as a friend hitting him or breaking in front of him in a line. Provide paper and crayons or markers. Ask him to draw a picture of responding kindly in one of the situations.
KIDS
Matthew 26:17-30; 1 Corinthians 11:23-26
LIFE POINT: Living for Christ will be difficult at times.
How did Jesus respond to Judas’ betrayal of Him?
How can you use Jesus’ example to be kind to others, no matter what?
LIVE IT OUT: Talk with your child about a situation in his life that has been difficult. He might not understand why he had to endure this hard situation. Lead him to pray, thanking God for His help through this trial.
STUDENTS
JAMES 5:1-11
THE POINT: God wants me to trust Him rather than seek revenge.
How do you deal with the desire to get someone back?
How can you focus on trusting Jesus rather than seeking revenge?
Have a conversation around this quote: “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”1 —Winston Churchill
LIVE IT OUT:
Ask your student if there is anything keeping him or her from trusting God in situations in which he or she wants to get revenge. Pray daily for your student to trust God in all situations.
Read the same Scripture passages your student does this week.
1. Richard M. Langworth, Churchill by Himself, (London: Ebury Press, 2008), 572.
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Conversation Starters: Use of Words
Posted by KarahUse these discussion starters to help foster a spiritual conversation with your family.
Concept: Use of Words
PRESCHOOL
Mark 10:13-16
LIFE POINT: Jesus loves children.
Why was Jesus angry with His disciples?
Why did Jesus think children were special?
What did He tell His disciples about children?
LIVE IT OUT: Sing the song “Jesus Loves the Little Children” or “Jesus Loves Me” with your preschooler. Remind her that Jesus loves her and all children.
KIDS
Mark 10:13-16
LIFE POINT: Reflect God’s love by speaking to everyone with kindness.
Why did Jesus get angry with His disciples?
How can you use Jesus’ example to speak kindly to everyone?
LIVE IT OUT: Give your child a box of inexpensive breath mints. Tell him that this week when he is tempted to useunkind words, to use a breath mint to remind him to use his words wisely.
STUDENTS
James 3:1-18
THE POINT: Our words should reflect our relationship with Christ.
How can we do a better job of communicating as a family?
How can we encourage each other with words this week?
Have a conversation around this quote: “Kind words do not cost much…yet they accomplish much.”1 —Blaise Pascal
Encourage your student to choose someone he or she can encourage this week.
Encourage your student this week with positive words.
Ask your student how you can pray for him or her regarding how he or she talks to and about others.
1. John Mason, You Can Do It (Grand Rapids, MI: Revell, 2003), 55.
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The Secret to Raising Emotionally Healthy Kids
Posted by Phil
Some interesting thoughts from Tim Elmore…
Yesterday, I shared with the Huffington Post community the following thoughts that I wanted to share with you as well…
We live in complex times. As I work with thousands of parents and faculty each year, I’m increasingly convinced we have a more engaged set of adults who care about kids today than at any time since I began my career in 1979. Simultaneously, however, I am observing a more troubled population of kids, especially by the time they reach their teen years. It appears at first like an oxymoron. How can such a cared-for generation experience such emotional difficulties?
Today, more kids struggle with depression and anxiety than at any time in modern times. In The Price of Privilege, Dr. Madeline Levine argues America’s newly-defined at-risk group is preteens and teens from affluent, well-educated families. In spite of their economic and social advantages, they experience the highest rates of depression, substance abuse, anxiety disorders and unhappiness of any group of children in this country. Adolescent suicide has quadrupled since 1950.
Diagnosing the Emotional Health Problem in Many Kids Today
As I speak to psychologists and career counselors, I’ve begun to hear a term over and over, as they describe the emotional state of young people. This term appears to be a paradox, but it aptly defines perhaps millions of adolescents in America:
“High Arrogance, Low Self-esteem”
How can someone be cocky, yet not have a healthy sense of identity? Consider the reality they face. In a recent undergraduate survey, Dr. Art Levine reports that grade inflation has skyrocketed. In 1969, only 7 percent of students said their grade point average was an A- or higher. In 2009, it was 41 percent. In that same time period, students having a C average dropped from 25% to 5%. But with grade inflation at an all-time high, it’s surprising to note that 60 percent of students believe their grades understate the true quality of their work. They believe they deserve a higher mark. One has to wonder — are kids that much smarter than forty years ago, or do we just give them higher grades to keep the customer? The fact is, while student scores continue to decline when compared to other nations, the one statistic that remains constant is that our kids continue to assume they’re awesome.
Sheltered by parents, teachers and coaches who fear that unhappy kids are a poor reflection on them, we have rewarded them quickly, easily and repeatedly. Kids naturally begin believing they are amazing. Case in point: My son recently took part in a theatre arts competition. Parents paid dearly to enable their kid to get on stage, and now I know why. Every single student got a medal, just for showing up. When they performed, they received extra medals. The medal levels were: gold, high gold and platinum. (Did you notice that gold was the lowest award possible?) Here’s the clincher. If your kid didn’t get the award he wanted, trophies were on sale after the competition. This is not uncommon. Kids today have received trophies for ninth place in Little League baseball. They get fourth-runner up medals at competitions. Ribbons and stars are given out routinely. Of course they are arrogant. With little effort, they’ve been awarded a prize.
The problem is, as they age, they begin to suspect this affirmation is skewed. In fact, mom may be the only one telling them they’re “special” or amazing. By college, kids meet all kinds of other “special” students, who are as smart or athletic as they are. Between the ages of 17-24, kids now experience their first real “failure.” They bump up against hardship and difficulty and often aren’t resilient enough to bounce back. Truth be told, when a kid has been told they are “excellent” without working hard or truly adding value to a team, it rings hollow to them. We must realize that our affirmation must match their performance. Low self-esteem hits them at this point (often their freshmen or sophomore year in college) because they suddenly recognize their esteem may be built on a foundation of sand.
Solving the Emotional Health Problem in Many Kids Today
My point is not to suggest your child isn’t special in his own right. My point is that this is only part of the story. In preparing our young people for adulthood, we must give them a sense of the big picture. We must drip doses of reality with all the praise. When I see troubled kids from upper-middle class homes, it makes me wonder:
• Question: Are they fragile because they’ve been sheltered?
• Question: Are they unmotivated because they’ve been praised too quickly?
• Question: Do they get anxious or fearful because they’ve never taken risks?
• Question: Are they self-absorbed because they’ve been rewarded so often?
• Question: Do they move back home after college because they’re ill-prepared?
I believe two sets of messages must be communicated to students during the first two decades of their life. Sadly, very often only one set of messages gets through. The first ten years, we must communicate childhood messages. If we have done this well, they are prepared for necessary adolescent messages that prepare them for a challenging adult world:
Childhood Messages
1.You are loved.
2. You are unique.
3. You have gifts
4. You are safe.
5. You are valuable.
Adolescent Messages
1. Life is difficult.
2. You are not in control.
3. You are not that important.
4. You are going to die.
5. Your life is not about you.
I recognize this may sound harsh, but I find myself having to communicate the second set of messages far too often to a college student. If we love these students, we will relay both messages. They deserve the truth from us and they deserve a childhood that prepares them for the life that awaits them as adults. Whether they are emotionally ready as they enter adult life… will be up to us.
Want to learn more about how to raise emotionally healthy kids? Bring home a copy of Artificial Maturity to drill deeper.
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How to Have Hard Conversations with Your Teen
Posted by Phil
Sometimes they don’t realize it yet – that we’re trying to help, that we’re not terribly lost, that we might know something beneficial.
I remember my son looking up from a disappointing test grade, annoyed with my advice and yelling at me, “You don’t understand; math has changed!” I literally laughed out loud.
Then I looked at his study sheets. I didn’t recognize a thing. It was true. Math had changed.
This is not our middle school or high school anymore, folks, and it threatens our ability to relate. But, we can relate to the charged emotions our teens are facing. And we can better enter into the necessary, hard conversations at times by attending to those emotions rather than avoiding them.
I learned this the hard way. I can be a knucklehead as a dad. I’m great at picking up on things with other people, but it took me a little while to begin seeing what I was missing in my own family.
It’s easy to label our teens as acting out, or having attention-seeking behavior, or being manipulative, or focusing on themselves instead of God, and those may be valid issues at times. Still, when it comes time to address these issues and have hard conversations with your child, let’s replace the idea of our kids needing attention with the idea that they need a connection. And we can best connect with them by attending to the emotion before attending to the solution.
In other words, we need to slow down before we try to fix the problem.
OK, but where’s the spiritual part? In fact, a spiritual focus needs to be at the core, and it is, because the spiritual can’t really be separated from the emotional and still be healthy. When we acknowledge our son or daughter’s anger, or sadness, or excitement, or fear, we are with them right in the middle of the Truth. Even if they don’t realize it yet.
Cultivating honesty
So how do we get them to go there with us or let us in to that part of themselves? Basically, we have to cultivate honesty by rewarding honesty. Remember, truth doesn’t taste good unless it’s seasoned with grace. When there has been a breach in the family rules, grace says, “You’ll be in less trouble if you tell me the truth.” Then we have to back that up.
Reward their honesty. If we lower the boom anyway, we just taught them how to not trust us at all.
Cultivate safety in conversation by being safe at other times. So when you hear something inappropriate that your teen’s friend is doing, question out loud the behavior or decision, discuss the possible outcomes, but do so without criticizing the friend. If we model judgment all the time, we’re going to eventually create a lack of safety with our own kids.
Personality considerations
Remember to parent each kid as an individual. In our house when a consequence has to be levied, each child responds differently. One kid cries at the mention of punishment, one kid argues a position against the injustice of it all, one kid chimes “OK” and then skips down the hall, and one kid gets eyes like The Incredible Hulk. Each one is different, responds differently, needs different things. The Hulk calms down with a valid reason. The Actress wants to feel that no one is mad. The Lawyer needs time and music to relax her opinion. The Skipper apparently has her own magical fairy dust, so we just leave her alone with it.
I have found it to be incredibly important to find each kid’s “open window” for conversation. Find the time and place that makes them comfortable. It might be a consistent moment or time of day (bed time, after dinner). It might be an activity (going for a walk, playing catch). It might involve a certain structure (sitting at the table, written in an email first). Or, maybe it’s a location (coffee shop, park, the car). Whatever it is, we need to lean into those natural opportunities for hard conversations.
There are lots of roles we fill when communicating with our teens: Coach, Advocate, Crime Stopper, or Judge. It helps if I pay attention to what role I’m speaking out of in a specific conversation. Am I using the voice I intend? Am I being a Judge when it’s time to be a Coach? Am I being an Advocate when it’s time to be a Crime Stopper?
As parents, we have to concede that there are decisions and influences that we have already put into practice with our kids that didn’t work or missed the mark. It’s already in play. It’s too late for a retraction. It’s not too late for a course correction. When I have blown it, I have to make things right, repair the relationship, and move forward. And we need to give ourselves grace. We need to give our kids grace. We need to extend a love and a trust and an absence of shame to them that we haven’t even necessarily had for ourselves at times.
Death is hard
Death as a topic is unsettling. I could give you pointers on talking only about death, but under the surface of that is loss. And our kids are going to be facing loss for the rest of their lives. The formula is simple: “When there is loss – grieve.” Look at your kids and tell them to cry, shout, make a fist, hit a pillow with a tennis racket, mention who and what has been lost, and don’t avoid it.
Look at them and tell them, “Don’t let anyone rush your grieving process, including yourself.” Grieving a loss won’t hinder their life – it will free it up for the future. The space in my counseling office is regularly filled by people dealing with issues of unresolved grief that linger into adulthood. It doesn’t have to be that way.
Sex frequently makes the ‘tough conversations’ list
And given limited space here I’m going to refer rather than be too brief. There are lots of great resources to help you talk through issues of sex. Kevin Leman and Kathy Flores Bell’s book, A Chicken’s Guide To Talking Turkey With Your Kids About Sex (Zondervan 2009) is right in line with building trust, giving support, and cultivating safety. As far as your emotions, just pray for the ability to be the least anxious person in the room, no matter what.
Self-discipline hinges on understanding responsibility
And responsibility begets responsibility. Just help them bridge the gap between your desire for them to be responsible and how it fits into the greater good, the bigger picture, the endgame. Ask them, “Whose responsibility is that?” Ask to help them problem-solve a better way, or different way, to get something done. Allow them to discover how they are making a contribution, not just following a demand.
Remember, the emotional and spiritual can’t be separated. God created that, not me, not you, not our kids, not culture. God did it. So work with them – use them both to connect to your kids. Move toward emotions for connection. Move toward Scripture for solutions. Attend to both – emotion and solution – when you attend to hard conversations with your teens.
No, they may not rise and call you blessed. They may not understand why you are pouring into their lives in this way. You may feel frustrated and toxic at times. You’re human, you’re normal, I get it. So ask for help. Seriously, I don’t know how anyone does parenting without Jesus.
When I’m in the pit, Psalm 40 reminds me that He’s in the pit with me. When I’m walking the right road, Zephaniah 3:17 reminds me that He’s celebrating me. And when I’m at the top of my game and a bit arrogant, 2 Sam. 22:28 reminds me that He will humble me to keep me healthy and in step with Him.
He attends to me. He loves me well. Even when I don’t realize it yet. That’s our model for parenthood.
This article is courtesy of Parenting Teens Magazine.
Toby Simers is a therapist in private practice in St. Louis, Missouri. He spent 12 years in vocational ministry, graduated from the Willow Creek Internship program, and earned a Masters in Counseling at Covenant Theological Seminary. But more importantly, he’s a devoted and growing husband, father of two, and stepfather of two.
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