Children are not born with instructions. Even if they were, I doubt that many parents would actually read the directions. Most parents, like me, learn from experience. The following four pointers are some principles I’ve used to reduce the parent/teen conflict in my own home and to increase my teen’s involvement in making responsible choices.

Realize your own needs

of teenagers are usually approaching an age of reflection, and this mid-life stage can be a time of personal crisis! Parenting a teen can add to the intensity, as you must face your own issues and those of a budding son or daughter. As a parent, you must come to terms with your own emotions and not transfer these to the challenges of parenting.

Respond productively to emotions

Teens are a bundle of emotions, but never discount the vital role of these emotions. Emotions are at the surface, but they offer parents an open line of communication with their teens. This time can assist you in better understanding your teen’s deeper feelings and thoughts.

Too often, parents discount how seriously their teens desire their opinions. Find out what your teen feels is the source of his emotions and talk about it. The source may be real or imagined, but it is serious to him. Choose one meal each day when the family can gather to talk. Use it to build a lasting family tradition.

Focus on positive behaviors

Conflicts and disagreements offer an opportunity for parents to help their teen talk through a time of difficulty. This can be a teachable moment for your teen, other siblings, and yourself. They will expect you to criticize what’s wrong, so asking questions and listening can catch a teen off-guard.

A turning point in my own life was when I knew my actions deserved punishment, but my dad responded calmly. We talked through my choices and the natural consequences that would result. This became a defining moment in my own life!

Develop a plan of action

Teens have adult bodies with a child’s experience. As a result, they may struggle with knowing how to act on their feelings. The following gives you a way for your teenager to be a partner in developing a plan that you both can agree upon.

Compromise can be a dirty word in theology, but it’s critical in relationships. Parents can move their children toward adulthood by allowing them to negotiate some house rules. This means teaching them to make appropriate choices and weighing rewards and punishments.

Within your expectations, consider what is negotiable: curfews, cell phones, car keys, and so forth. Encourage your teen to begin by praying and to list their wants. You must then explain what you expect. As you talk with your teen, offer possible alternatives and list the punishments for violating the rules.

Once an agreement is reached, put it in writing – signed and dated. This simple exercise can increase communication and reduce conflict.

The front porch may be gone, but the need to talk continues. Allow your experiences and an emphasis on consequences guide you as you guide your teen. Before you know it, you just might have a mature young adult on your hands.

by Dr. Larry Purcell on Tuesday, November 13, 2007

God created every life to be fruitful and multiply, but this God-given dream represents more than physical offspring. I believe our dreams to have babies represent a desire to have fruitful lives, to invest ourselves in something that matters and makes a difference.

In the Old Testament, God promised great numbers of physical descendants. In the New Testament, His emphasis is clearly on spiritual offspring. God calls us to be fruitful and to multiply until He calls us home. Potential for spiritual offspring is virtually limitless. God desires to empower you to bear spiritual offspring. God created you to bear much fruit. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mommy more than anything in the world. Now my children are almost grown. Recently my older daughter and I were enjoying a time of rich fellowship together when she paused and asked, “Mom, when Melissa and I grow up and perhaps even move far away from you and Daddy, will you be OK?”

A lump welled in my throat, but I still answered confidently: “Yes, darling. Most people just need to feel useful. As long as I have Jesus, I will always feel useful — even if I occasionally feel lonely.”

I have tried my hardest to keep my children from growing up, but all my efforts have failed. Sometimes I think: “What will I ever do? I was born to be a mommy!” Then I remember God has called me primarily to women’s ministry, and I will always have the opportunity to “mother” a few spiritual offspring as long as I am willing to invest myself.

In fact, one of my spiritual daughters has a particularly dry and delightful wit. She is a gifted Bible teacher at only 27 years of age and hardly ever misses an opportunity to affectionately rib me about my age. I introduced her once as a spiritual daughter, and later she said, “Since you led the person to the Lord, who in turn, led me to the Lord, wouldn’t that really make you my spiritual grand-mother?” After that I called her a smart aleck, we had a great laugh, and every card or gift that I have sent to her since that remark have all been signed, “Love, Granny.”

If God chose for you to have physical children, prepare yourself! They will grow up! Then it is time to enlarge your tent and invest in spiritual children! If God chooses for you never to have physical children, He is calling you to a bigger family! God purposely placed the dream of fruitful lives in our hearts. Oh, how I love the paradoxical ways our glorious heavenly Father works. Only He can bring gain from loss. Only He can make us more fruitful in our barrenness!

One final thought. Undoubtedly one of the reasons I wanted children was to bear offspring who were the image of my husband. I wanted little Keiths and Keithettes! I did not want them to look like me. I have always thought Keith was far more beautiful than I. You see, the same is true of our spiritual offspring. Once we fall in love with Christ, we are so taken with His beauty, we want children to look just like Him. That is spiritual parenting in a nutshell; raising spiritual sons and daughters to look just like their Father in Heaven. What could be more important?

Footnotes

This article was adapted from Breaking Free © 2000 (Broadman and Holman). Used by permission.

Prideful parents need humility

We’ve all seen prideful parents. They take all the credit for how amazing their kids are turning out! They may also push their kids to perform so they can live out their dreams through their kids’ accomplishments.

Pride leaves us delusional. We think we are the reason our kids are capable, attractive, popular, or successful. At the same time, we are oblivious to the reality that everything our kids are is from God. We, as parents, are simply stewards of His treasure!

In contrast, humility focuses on God. To get rid of pride, it’s as simple as applying John 3:30: He must increase, but I must decrease. Focus more on God. Look for Him, thank Him, give Him credit, and praise Him. As you do, your prideful self-focus will naturally decrease.

Insecure parents need confidence

An insecure parent second-guesses her decisions, feels inferior to her kids or to other parents, or needs constant reassurance that she’s doing the right thing.

Confidence is that inner self-assurance that lets us interact effectively with others-even our teens! Usually we think of “self-confidence” as believing in ourselves, but it’s really “God-confidence” because your confidence is only as strong as the One in whom you trust.

To start building God-confidence, try doing a Scripture study of what God thinks of you. You can start with passages like Ephesians 1:4: For He chose us in Him, before the foundation of the world, to be holy and blameless in His sight.

Fearful parents need courage

Raising teens can fill us with fear. Between worries about peer pressure, drunk drivers, social networking, and driver’s ed, anxiety can be crippling. It not only keeps you on high-alert, but it also causes you to hold your teen way too tightly.

Courage means being filled with God’s strength, which frees you to take risks, endure difficulty, or withstand fear. Parental courage is not an absence of fear, but it trusts God and keeps going.

Second Timothy 1:7 says that God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and sound thinking. If you are haunted by a spirit of fear, it’s not from God! Ask Him to release you from it. To practice courage, say yes to an experience that you would normally avoid, such as taking your teen out for driving practice!

Stressed parents need self-control

I (Katie) have a confession: As a stressed-out, single mom in the late 80’s, I was a rageaholic. Anything could send me flying into a verbal rampage. One minute I’d be sweet and kind and charming. The next minute-well, you know the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde drill.

Self-control is what I needed: Self-Under-God’s-Control! It draws on God’s power to exercise restraint and to avoid overindulgence, over-reactions, or even laziness (Prov. 25:28).

To move toward more self-control in your life, take a Sabbath. Clear some commitments and devote one day a week to God and rest.

Impatient parents need patience

Parenting teens is a breeding ground for impatience. Cluttered rooms, words mumbled under their breath, disrespect, forgetfulness, unkindness, and mood swings work in harmony to push us past a point of no return. But patience is about selflessness since love does not demand its own way (1 Cor. 13:5).

You can increase your patience by practicing flexibility, listening, and seeking first to understand rather than to be understood. In other words, don’t rigidly demand things be done your way. Instead, try listening more than you speak. And before you tell them what you think, get to know what’s going on with them first.

Envious parents need contentment

Benjamin Franklin wisely said: “Contentment makes poor men rich; discontentment makes rich men poor.” In order to be content, we need to rid our hearts of envy. We also need to stop comparing our kids to anyone else’s. Comparisons ignite envy, insecurity, and pride.

Contentment rests in thankfulness (Eph. 5:20). To tackle envy, keep a “Thankful List,” looking for things in your teens for which you can be grateful: their health, their disposition, their kindness, their intelligence, their abilities, and the areas where they take after you!

Greedy parents need generosity

I (Shelley) am a food hoarder. I never shared my candy as a child; and to this day, I hide secret stashes of my favorite chips and cookies from my kids. I’ll make my special tuna with boiled eggs, pickles, and onions, only to get frustrated when my kids have the nerve to eat it!

Generosity means being able to hold your time, your house, your personal space-even your tuna-loosely. Paul told Timothy that believers need to be rich in good deeds and always ready to share (1 Tim. 6:18). Watch what you hoard as a parent.

One great way to be generous is allowing yourself to be interruptible. To help remind yourself of this commitment, use the slogan: stop, drop, and roll. In other words, stop to really listen to what your teenager is saying, drop what you’re doing to give him your full attention, and roll with whatever your teen needs.

‘Quitters’ need perseverance

One of the most challenging aspects of parenting teens is seeing things through. It can get be difficult to follow through on consequences or to stick with your teen and believe in them when they disappoint you.

Perseverance is all about persistence and diligence. James 1:4 tells us to let perseverance run its course, so we can be all God wants us to be. Develop perseverance by igniting your heart for your kids. Ask God to restore your passion to see them grow up right, and use that to persevere when you feel like quitting.

Your parenting character traits are like windows into your life. Your teens can look into them and see what Christ is like. Partner with the Spirit to complete a makeover on your character. Start fresh today by admitting the truth about the strongholds in your life. Only then can you truly develop and strengthen your character.

by Shelley Leith and Katie Brazelton on Wednesday, February 10, 2010