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My Daughter Went Away to Camp and Changed
Posted by PhilHow do I catch up?
When I look at my phone, I see my daughter leaving for camp on my home screen. She stands at the bottom of an airport escalator, an orange backpack over her shoulder. She’d cut her long, strawberry blond hair the day before, so the person smiling from under the carrot top doesn’t look familiar. But the image of a kid who just needs a backpack and a ticket is one I recognize. Some parents may have to nudge their children to camp. For the last two summers, our daughter has run out the door. “Yukon ho!” she yelled when leaving this year, an expression she learned from Calvin and Hobbes‘ main character Calvin, whom she now resembles.
I hadn’t been at the National Airport departure gate for her first trip as an Unaccompanied Minor. I was in the stands at my son’s baseball tournament. For pickup my wife and I flipped the load-sharing. She did baseball duty, and I flew to Minnesota, driving almost four hours to a packed-dirt road lined with birch trees that ended at the shores of Lake Pokegama: Camp Mishawaka. Thirty-six years earlier, I had been the 9-year-old flying alone from Washington to this place with a new haircut.
When I was at camp, my parents didn’t know what was happening to me. We weren’t allowed to use the telephone, so even on my birthday I just received word that they’d called to wish me a happy one. All they got on their end was a handful of sentences written in loopy script with scattershot spelling. Technology makes hovering easier now. For the last few weeks, my wife and I ended our days poking around on the camp website, scanning photographs for the flash of red hair among the campers playing capture the flag and canoeing. Now, as I stood on the soft grass at the edge of the compound, I was doing the same scan, watching my daughter fling herself around along with the other campers, passing time before the organizing ring of the dinner bell.
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Conversation Starters: Use of Words
Posted by KarahUse these discussion starters to help foster a spiritual conversation with your family.
Concept: Use of Words
PRESCHOOL
Mark 10:13-16
LIFE POINT: Jesus loves children.
Why was Jesus angry with His disciples?
Why did Jesus think children were special?
What did He tell His disciples about children?
LIVE IT OUT: Sing the song “Jesus Loves the Little Children” or “Jesus Loves Me” with your preschooler. Remind her that Jesus loves her and all children.
KIDS
Mark 10:13-16
LIFE POINT: Reflect God’s love by speaking to everyone with kindness.
Why did Jesus get angry with His disciples?
How can you use Jesus’ example to speak kindly to everyone?
LIVE IT OUT: Give your child a box of inexpensive breath mints. Tell him that this week when he is tempted to useunkind words, to use a breath mint to remind him to use his words wisely.
STUDENTS
James 3:1-18
THE POINT: Our words should reflect our relationship with Christ.
How can we do a better job of communicating as a family?
How can we encourage each other with words this week?
Have a conversation around this quote: “Kind words do not cost much…yet they accomplish much.”1 —Blaise Pascal
Encourage your student to choose someone he or she can encourage this week.
Encourage your student this week with positive words.
Ask your student how you can pray for him or her regarding how he or she talks to and about others.
1. John Mason, You Can Do It (Grand Rapids, MI: Revell, 2003), 55.
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The Secret to Raising Emotionally Healthy Kids
Posted by Phil
Some interesting thoughts from Tim Elmore…
Yesterday, I shared with the Huffington Post community the following thoughts that I wanted to share with you as well…
We live in complex times. As I work with thousands of parents and faculty each year, I’m increasingly convinced we have a more engaged set of adults who care about kids today than at any time since I began my career in 1979. Simultaneously, however, I am observing a more troubled population of kids, especially by the time they reach their teen years. It appears at first like an oxymoron. How can such a cared-for generation experience such emotional difficulties?
Today, more kids struggle with depression and anxiety than at any time in modern times. In The Price of Privilege, Dr. Madeline Levine argues America’s newly-defined at-risk group is preteens and teens from affluent, well-educated families. In spite of their economic and social advantages, they experience the highest rates of depression, substance abuse, anxiety disorders and unhappiness of any group of children in this country. Adolescent suicide has quadrupled since 1950.
Diagnosing the Emotional Health Problem in Many Kids Today
As I speak to psychologists and career counselors, I’ve begun to hear a term over and over, as they describe the emotional state of young people. This term appears to be a paradox, but it aptly defines perhaps millions of adolescents in America:
“High Arrogance, Low Self-esteem”
How can someone be cocky, yet not have a healthy sense of identity? Consider the reality they face. In a recent undergraduate survey, Dr. Art Levine reports that grade inflation has skyrocketed. In 1969, only 7 percent of students said their grade point average was an A- or higher. In 2009, it was 41 percent. In that same time period, students having a C average dropped from 25% to 5%. But with grade inflation at an all-time high, it’s surprising to note that 60 percent of students believe their grades understate the true quality of their work. They believe they deserve a higher mark. One has to wonder — are kids that much smarter than forty years ago, or do we just give them higher grades to keep the customer? The fact is, while student scores continue to decline when compared to other nations, the one statistic that remains constant is that our kids continue to assume they’re awesome.
Sheltered by parents, teachers and coaches who fear that unhappy kids are a poor reflection on them, we have rewarded them quickly, easily and repeatedly. Kids naturally begin believing they are amazing. Case in point: My son recently took part in a theatre arts competition. Parents paid dearly to enable their kid to get on stage, and now I know why. Every single student got a medal, just for showing up. When they performed, they received extra medals. The medal levels were: gold, high gold and platinum. (Did you notice that gold was the lowest award possible?) Here’s the clincher. If your kid didn’t get the award he wanted, trophies were on sale after the competition. This is not uncommon. Kids today have received trophies for ninth place in Little League baseball. They get fourth-runner up medals at competitions. Ribbons and stars are given out routinely. Of course they are arrogant. With little effort, they’ve been awarded a prize.
The problem is, as they age, they begin to suspect this affirmation is skewed. In fact, mom may be the only one telling them they’re “special” or amazing. By college, kids meet all kinds of other “special” students, who are as smart or athletic as they are. Between the ages of 17-24, kids now experience their first real “failure.” They bump up against hardship and difficulty and often aren’t resilient enough to bounce back. Truth be told, when a kid has been told they are “excellent” without working hard or truly adding value to a team, it rings hollow to them. We must realize that our affirmation must match their performance. Low self-esteem hits them at this point (often their freshmen or sophomore year in college) because they suddenly recognize their esteem may be built on a foundation of sand.
Solving the Emotional Health Problem in Many Kids Today
My point is not to suggest your child isn’t special in his own right. My point is that this is only part of the story. In preparing our young people for adulthood, we must give them a sense of the big picture. We must drip doses of reality with all the praise. When I see troubled kids from upper-middle class homes, it makes me wonder:
• Question: Are they fragile because they’ve been sheltered?
• Question: Are they unmotivated because they’ve been praised too quickly?
• Question: Do they get anxious or fearful because they’ve never taken risks?
• Question: Are they self-absorbed because they’ve been rewarded so often?
• Question: Do they move back home after college because they’re ill-prepared?
I believe two sets of messages must be communicated to students during the first two decades of their life. Sadly, very often only one set of messages gets through. The first ten years, we must communicate childhood messages. If we have done this well, they are prepared for necessary adolescent messages that prepare them for a challenging adult world:
Childhood Messages
1.You are loved.
2. You are unique.
3. You have gifts
4. You are safe.
5. You are valuable.
Adolescent Messages
1. Life is difficult.
2. You are not in control.
3. You are not that important.
4. You are going to die.
5. Your life is not about you.
I recognize this may sound harsh, but I find myself having to communicate the second set of messages far too often to a college student. If we love these students, we will relay both messages. They deserve the truth from us and they deserve a childhood that prepares them for the life that awaits them as adults. Whether they are emotionally ready as they enter adult life… will be up to us.
Want to learn more about how to raise emotionally healthy kids? Bring home a copy of Artificial Maturity to drill deeper.
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How to Have Hard Conversations with Your Teen
Posted by Phil
Sometimes they don’t realize it yet – that we’re trying to help, that we’re not terribly lost, that we might know something beneficial.
I remember my son looking up from a disappointing test grade, annoyed with my advice and yelling at me, “You don’t understand; math has changed!” I literally laughed out loud.
Then I looked at his study sheets. I didn’t recognize a thing. It was true. Math had changed.
This is not our middle school or high school anymore, folks, and it threatens our ability to relate. But, we can relate to the charged emotions our teens are facing. And we can better enter into the necessary, hard conversations at times by attending to those emotions rather than avoiding them.
I learned this the hard way. I can be a knucklehead as a dad. I’m great at picking up on things with other people, but it took me a little while to begin seeing what I was missing in my own family.
It’s easy to label our teens as acting out, or having attention-seeking behavior, or being manipulative, or focusing on themselves instead of God, and those may be valid issues at times. Still, when it comes time to address these issues and have hard conversations with your child, let’s replace the idea of our kids needing attention with the idea that they need a connection. And we can best connect with them by attending to the emotion before attending to the solution.
In other words, we need to slow down before we try to fix the problem.
OK, but where’s the spiritual part? In fact, a spiritual focus needs to be at the core, and it is, because the spiritual can’t really be separated from the emotional and still be healthy. When we acknowledge our son or daughter’s anger, or sadness, or excitement, or fear, we are with them right in the middle of the Truth. Even if they don’t realize it yet.
Cultivating honesty
So how do we get them to go there with us or let us in to that part of themselves? Basically, we have to cultivate honesty by rewarding honesty. Remember, truth doesn’t taste good unless it’s seasoned with grace. When there has been a breach in the family rules, grace says, “You’ll be in less trouble if you tell me the truth.” Then we have to back that up.
Reward their honesty. If we lower the boom anyway, we just taught them how to not trust us at all.
Cultivate safety in conversation by being safe at other times. So when you hear something inappropriate that your teen’s friend is doing, question out loud the behavior or decision, discuss the possible outcomes, but do so without criticizing the friend. If we model judgment all the time, we’re going to eventually create a lack of safety with our own kids.
Personality considerations
Remember to parent each kid as an individual. In our house when a consequence has to be levied, each child responds differently. One kid cries at the mention of punishment, one kid argues a position against the injustice of it all, one kid chimes “OK” and then skips down the hall, and one kid gets eyes like The Incredible Hulk. Each one is different, responds differently, needs different things. The Hulk calms down with a valid reason. The Actress wants to feel that no one is mad. The Lawyer needs time and music to relax her opinion. The Skipper apparently has her own magical fairy dust, so we just leave her alone with it.
I have found it to be incredibly important to find each kid’s “open window” for conversation. Find the time and place that makes them comfortable. It might be a consistent moment or time of day (bed time, after dinner). It might be an activity (going for a walk, playing catch). It might involve a certain structure (sitting at the table, written in an email first). Or, maybe it’s a location (coffee shop, park, the car). Whatever it is, we need to lean into those natural opportunities for hard conversations.
There are lots of roles we fill when communicating with our teens: Coach, Advocate, Crime Stopper, or Judge. It helps if I pay attention to what role I’m speaking out of in a specific conversation. Am I using the voice I intend? Am I being a Judge when it’s time to be a Coach? Am I being an Advocate when it’s time to be a Crime Stopper?
As parents, we have to concede that there are decisions and influences that we have already put into practice with our kids that didn’t work or missed the mark. It’s already in play. It’s too late for a retraction. It’s not too late for a course correction. When I have blown it, I have to make things right, repair the relationship, and move forward. And we need to give ourselves grace. We need to give our kids grace. We need to extend a love and a trust and an absence of shame to them that we haven’t even necessarily had for ourselves at times.
Death is hard
Death as a topic is unsettling. I could give you pointers on talking only about death, but under the surface of that is loss. And our kids are going to be facing loss for the rest of their lives. The formula is simple: “When there is loss – grieve.” Look at your kids and tell them to cry, shout, make a fist, hit a pillow with a tennis racket, mention who and what has been lost, and don’t avoid it.
Look at them and tell them, “Don’t let anyone rush your grieving process, including yourself.” Grieving a loss won’t hinder their life – it will free it up for the future. The space in my counseling office is regularly filled by people dealing with issues of unresolved grief that linger into adulthood. It doesn’t have to be that way.
Sex frequently makes the ‘tough conversations’ list
And given limited space here I’m going to refer rather than be too brief. There are lots of great resources to help you talk through issues of sex. Kevin Leman and Kathy Flores Bell’s book, A Chicken’s Guide To Talking Turkey With Your Kids About Sex (Zondervan 2009) is right in line with building trust, giving support, and cultivating safety. As far as your emotions, just pray for the ability to be the least anxious person in the room, no matter what.
Self-discipline hinges on understanding responsibility
And responsibility begets responsibility. Just help them bridge the gap between your desire for them to be responsible and how it fits into the greater good, the bigger picture, the endgame. Ask them, “Whose responsibility is that?” Ask to help them problem-solve a better way, or different way, to get something done. Allow them to discover how they are making a contribution, not just following a demand.
Remember, the emotional and spiritual can’t be separated. God created that, not me, not you, not our kids, not culture. God did it. So work with them – use them both to connect to your kids. Move toward emotions for connection. Move toward Scripture for solutions. Attend to both – emotion and solution – when you attend to hard conversations with your teens.
No, they may not rise and call you blessed. They may not understand why you are pouring into their lives in this way. You may feel frustrated and toxic at times. You’re human, you’re normal, I get it. So ask for help. Seriously, I don’t know how anyone does parenting without Jesus.
When I’m in the pit, Psalm 40 reminds me that He’s in the pit with me. When I’m walking the right road, Zephaniah 3:17 reminds me that He’s celebrating me. And when I’m at the top of my game and a bit arrogant, 2 Sam. 22:28 reminds me that He will humble me to keep me healthy and in step with Him.
He attends to me. He loves me well. Even when I don’t realize it yet. That’s our model for parenthood.
This article is courtesy of Parenting Teens Magazine.
Toby Simers is a therapist in private practice in St. Louis, Missouri. He spent 12 years in vocational ministry, graduated from the Willow Creek Internship program, and earned a Masters in Counseling at Covenant Theological Seminary. But more importantly, he’s a devoted and growing husband, father of two, and stepfather of two.
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Conversation Starters: Overcoming Prejudice
Posted by Teeny
Use these discussion starters to help foster a spiritual conversation with your family.
THE BIBLE MEETS LIFE: Our culture tends to value people based on ethnicity, gender, wealth, or ability. But God wants us to see people as He sees them—created in His image to glorify Him. We should treat others as Jesus did—with impartiality and fairness.
Concept: Overcoming Prejudice
PRESCOOL
JOHN 4:1-30
LIFE POINT: Jesus loves all people, and so should we.
- How did Jesus show love for the woman?
- What is a way you can show love to another person?
LIVE IT OUT: Look around your neighborhood or school. Is there a new person who needs a friend? Help your child think of some ways to make friends with this new person.
KIDS
JOHN 4:1-30
LIFE POINT: Show love and care to all people.
- How did Jesus show love to the woman at the well?
- Why were the disciples surprised to find Jesus talking to the woman?
- How does the Life Verse apply to this story?
LIVE IT OUT: Challenge your child to think about the person who is most like him, maybe his best friend. Next he can think about someone he knows and interacts with who is very different from him. This week challenge him to treat both people the same.
STUDENTS
JAMES 2:1-13
THE POINT: God wants me to see people as He sees them.
- What is a challenge you face regarding how you treat people?
- Is there ever a reason to treat one person better than another?
Have a conversation around this quote: “By judging others we blind ourselves to our own evil and to the grace which others are just as entitled to as we are.”1 —Dietrich Bonhoeffer
LIVE IT OUT:
Have a discussion about your student’s circle of friends.
Encourage your student to treat others fairly regardless of their social or financial background.
If you have had any experience with favoritism, racism, or prejudice in your life, share about it with your student.
1. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship (New York, NY: SCM Press Ltd., 1959), 185.
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Conversation Starters: Temptation
Posted by Teeny
Use these discussion starters to help foster a spiritual conversation with your family.
The Bible Meets Life: Temptation is a reality for all of us. Even Jesus was tempted. We can’t avoid it, but we don’t have to give in to it. The Book of James helps us understand that God does not tempt us, but He will provide a way to resist temptation. Because of the work Christ has done on our behalf, we can see temptation for what it is and through Him we can overcome any temptation.
Concept: Temptation
PRESCHOOL
MATTHEW 5:1-3; 6:25-34
LIFE POINT: God provides for us.
- What are some ways God provides for you?
- How can you thank God for providing you the things you need, such as the Bible?
- How does the Bible help you make good choices?
LIVE IT OUT: Look around your house, and help your child name all the things that God provides for her, such as the Bible, food, clothes, and water to drink. Pray, thanking God for giving us the Bible to help us make good choices. Thank God for giving us Jesus, who died for us and who forgives us when we make bad choices.
KIDS
MATTHEW 4:1-11
LIFE POINT: Resist temptation by following Jesus’ example.
- How did Jesus respond when the Devil tempted Him to sin?
- What are some ways that you are tempted?
- Can you think of a verse that will help you when you are tempted?
LIVE IT OUT: Help your child list several temptations she faces regularly. Talk about what her response will be when faced with those challenges this week. Remind her to use James 1:2-3 to remember that temptations can be turned around to produce good. Recognize that Jesus was tempted just as we are, yet He never sinned. Thank Him for His perfect life and for His death in our place.
STUDENTS
JAMES 1:13-18
THE POINT: God won’t tempt me, but He will provide a way to resist temptation.
- What leads to temptation?
- Do you have any questions for me about how I face temptation?
- What can I do to help you with the things that tempt you?
Have a conversation around this quote: “Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is.”1 —C. S. Lewis
Ask your student to recite memorize a verse and recite it to you during the week.
Memorize the verse with your student.
Encourage your student to find an accountability partner.
If you have had a positive accountability partner experience, share it with your student.
1. C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity (New York, NY: HarperCollins, 1980), 142.
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Conversation Starter: Good Attitudes
Posted by Teeny
Use these discussion starters to help foster a spiritual conversation with your family.
Life is filled with struggles. Maybe you’ve heard the saying, “When life gives you a lemon, just make lemonade,” but that’s a lot easier said than done. When you’re going through a trial in your life, the last thing you want to hear is a cheesy saying. You need real help and a real understanding of God’s purpose for your struggle. In the Book of James, we discover how, through Christ, we can overcome our trials and turn them into joy.
Concept: Good Attitudes
PRESCHOOL
Matthew 5:1-12
Life Point: We can trust God.
- What are some ways that Jesus showed kindness to people?
- Who is kind to you?
- How can you show kindness to other people?
Live it out: Think of different reactions to scenarios your child has faced. Tell those reactions to your preschooler, and ask him to say whether each action shows a good attitude or a bad attitude. Help your child think about how Jesus was kind. Talk together about one person he can show kindness to. Help him think of a way to show kindness to someone and to carry it out.
KIDS
Matthew 5:1-12
Life Point: Keep a good attitude at all times.
- Why did Jesus say you should be blessed when people persecute you?
- Are you ever teased because of your Christian beliefs?
Live it out: Sit down with your child, and make a list of attitudes, both good and bad. Ask your child to draw a facial expression that a person with each of those attitudes might have. Remind your child this week that when he faces a problem to ask himself what he thinks Jesus’ attitude would be when dealing with that problem.
STUDENTS
James 1:1-4
The Point: Joyful trust in God will get you through any trial.
- What’s a struggle we’ve faced together as a family?
- Are you struggling with anything right now I can help you with?
Discuss the following quote: “You can’t always control circumstances. However, you can always control your attitude, approach, and response.”1 —Tony Dungy
Live it out:
Remind your student that God uses trials for our good.
Help your student think of the best way to respond to specific trials he or she may face.
Tell your student about how God has strengthened you through trials.
1. Tony Dungy, Whitaker, Quiet Strength: The Principles, Practices, & Priorities of a Winning Life (Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. 2007), 16.
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Conversation Starters: Resurrection Faith
Posted by Teeny
“And if Chris has not been raised, your faith is worthless; you are still in your sins. Therefore, those who have fallen asleep in Christ have also perished. If we have put our hope in Christ for this life only, we should be pitied more than anyone.” 1 Corinthians 15:17-19
How can you keep this conversation going at home? Try bouncing some of these questions around at the dinner table, as you’re driving your kids to school or an activity, or even while you’re shopping together:
For Preschoolers
Why did Jesus die?
What do you want to say to Him because He chose to die for us?
For Children
What does Jesus’ death say about His commitment to obeying God?
What is one way you can do something that you don’t want to do but will show people who God is?
For Students
Why were the women serving Jesus after they thought He was dead?
Who do you know that honors Christ in ways that other people find foolish? What does that say about his or her faith?
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Conversation Starters: Called to be Fishers of Men
Posted by Teeny
“And Jesus, walking by the Sea of Galilee, saw two brothers, Simon called Peter, and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea; for they were fishermen. Then He said to them, “Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.” They immediately left their nets and followed Him.” Matthew 4:18-20
How can you keep this conversation going at home? Try bouncing some of these questions around at the dinner table, as you’re driving your kids to school or an activity, or even while you’re shopping together:
For Preschoolers
What makes you one-of-a-kind?
What makes me one-of-a-kind?
What makes our dog one-of-a-kind?
What makes Jesus one-of-a-kind?
For Children
How was Jesus different from other people?
How were Jesus’ followers one-of-a-kind?
How can you show people that Jesus wants you to be different in how you live?
For Students
In what areas should Christians be different from un-believers in what they don’t do? (speech immorality, etc.)
In what areas should Christians be different from unbelievers in what they do? (love, honesty, etc.)
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Conversation Starters: Seeking Him
Posted by Teeny
“You will call to Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:12-13
How can you keep this conversation going at home? Try bouncing some of these questions around at the dinner table, as you’re driving your kids to school or an activity, or even while you’re shopping together.
For Preschoolers
Have you ever seen Mom or Dad fix a broken toy you didn’t think could be fixed? How did you feel?
For Children
What’s the worst thing about having to wait for something?
When you know what you are waiting for is going to be really, really good, does that make it easier or harder to wait?
For Students
Do you think it is easier to build something from scratch or to repair something after years of neglect?
Do you think it is easier for someone to begin following Jesus, or to start following Jesus again after falling away from Him?
How can you pray for friends who have fallen away from God?
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